A Turk and a Lab Rat Walk Into A Bar
by AmazonTurk
Summary: Gift fic for Kd Zeal.  Complete idiocy.  Tseng attempts to get Seph drunk...get your minds outta the gutters!  Rated T for swearing.


_**A/N: Gift fic for Kd Zeal who guessed that 'Would You Like Eggs With That Hash?' was based on the single line, "Leggo my eggs, yo!" Congratulations for interpreting my stupidity, my friend!**_

**_Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue. Squeenix owns the world. I have no clue who owns 'Charlie Goes To Candy Mountain', but it's not me._**

* * *

He'd been in the Turks all of six months. He was considered by his superiors to be a screw up, but a promising member should he just stop drinking. But drinking was fun and Tseng was a young man in the prime of his life. At twenty-two years of age, he was handsome, charming and had a bad ass Turk uniform that drove the girls crazy. 

Always good for a guaranteed lay.

And now it was Friday. Work was over in about 2 hours, so Tseng figured that with a couple of coffee breaks, four cigarette breaks, and three bathroom breaks, he could get away with just being in his office for about ten minutes. And then the drinking could begin!

One thing about young Tseng, though, was that he was a social creature. He craved companionship. His usual partner was out on medical leave, the stupid bastard having got shot their last mission out, so that left him without a drinking buddy. Perhaps he could utilize the ten minutes he was going to spend in his office commandieering another person to partake in the potent poison with him.

In short, Tseng was on the prowl for a drinking buddy.

His search led him to the labs, where he spotted The Lab Rat, as he called him. The kid was probably seventeen at most and spent the majority of his times in the labs with that demented greasy freak Hojo. Tseng narrowed his eyes at the thought of the scientist. He didn't care for him at all. He did things to people and animals that just shouldn't be done. All in the name of science. Science was great, in Tseng's opinion, but subjecting living creatures to perverse experiments just to get his jollies was ridiculous.

The Lab Rat had probably never seen the outside world. Or, if he had, he'd never interacted with it much. His whole world was the lab and the military. He was being genetically engineered to become the strongest, most feared man in the history of Gaia. So, Tseng gave himself a mission.

He was going to get the kid drunk and laid before the end of the night.

Boldly, he stepped over to the man who could, at seventeen, easily rip him apart. "Hey," he said with a grin.

The Lab Rat turned his head and glared at the young Turk, his catlike eyes narrowed to slits and an elegant silver eyebrow arched in question. "Yes?" he asked.

"You doing anything tonight?" Tseng asked casually, leaning against the wall and playing with the zipper of his jacket.

"Sleeping."

Tseng snorted. "Not on a Friday night, Man," Tseng said, draping an arm around him and leading him out of the labs. "I'm taking you to the best damn bar in Midgar. We'll get you wasted and fucked by a nice slut with big tits."

The kid's eyes widened. "The Professor will be angry if I leave without his consent," he said nervously.

Tseng stopped and looked at him. "Who the fuck cares?" he said. "You could kick his ass blindfolded, gutted and missing both arms and legs."

The Lab Rat grinned and nodded in agreement. "I could, couldn't I?"

"Yeah!" Tseng said, throwing his arm around him again. "By the way, my name's Tseng. I'm with the Turks."

"Sephiroth," he answered. "Nice to meet you. Now, what is 'wasted' and 'fucked'?"

Tseng smirked. "You are about to find out."

* * *

Sephiroth could hold his liquor. The kid had drank two bottles of whiskey, a bottle of tequilla and six beers and was still sitting upright. 

"Mako injections," Sephiroth said, taking a long drag off of one of Tseng cigarettes. "They counteract the fermentation in the alcohol and negate its affects on me."

"Say what?" Tseng asked. "Dude, speak Gaian! I don't understand any of that shit."

Sephiroth laughed. "In short, alcohol has relatively no affect on me."

"Well that sucks!" Tseng exclaimed, downing another shot. "Yo! Bartender! Give my friend the strongest shit you got!"

The bartender stared at Sephiroth and reluctantly removed a bottle of Absinthe from under the counter. Considering there was no legal drinking age in Midgar, his ass was covered should the kid get more than a buzz. "If this doesn't knock your ass out, nothing will," he said.

Sephiroth took the bottle and poured some into his shot glass. He eyed the green tinted liquid warily then downed the shot. He didn't even flinch. "Interesting," he said.

"Un-fucking-believable," Tseng said shaking his head. "It figures the fucking science experiment wouldn't be able to get drunk."

Sephiroth downed another shot of Absinthe. Then he wobbled slightly. "Whoa," he said, grasping the sides of the bar. "Whoa."

Tseng grinned. "Now we're talking!" he said, pouring his silver haired companion another shot. "Now, let's see if we can't find you a chick to hook up with."

* * *

They never found any girls. Well, if they did, they didn't remember it. Tseng had taken about three shots of the Absinthe as well and Sephiroth had finished the rest of the bottle. They were now stumbling down the street, not exactly sure where they were heading, but laughing their drunken fool heads off about the pink and purple unicorns leading them to the giant leopluridon who was going to show them the way to Candy Mountain, a magical land of sweets and joy...and joyness. 

Miraculously, they made it back to the ShinRa Building, collapsing on the reception desk. That was where they were the following morning. Oddly enough, their kidneys were still in their rightful places. However, their livers would need to be replaced at some point in their lives.

* * *

**_A/N: So, young Tseng was much like Reno in his early days. No wonder he has no tolerance for the red-head! If you have never seen 'Charlie Goes To Candy Mountain' on YouTube, you are missing out! It is freaking hilarious! I figured their Absinthe hallucination would be something that ridiculous. Hooray for hallucinating! Review my crack fic!_**


End file.
